By Cate Carrejo
Social issues took center stage at last Sunday’s Oscars, with Chris Rock’s harsh criticism of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ treatment of black actors in Hollywood, as well as Sam Smith’s erroneous, but well-intentioned, shout out to the LGBTQ community. However, the most emotional moment of the night was Lady Gaga’s impassioned performance of her song “’Til It Happens To You,” when she was joined onstage by dozens of fellow survivors to raise awareness for sexual assault.
As a sexual assault survivor myself, I understand the sentiment behind Lady Gaga’s song, and it is very powerful. You do feel isolated and misunderstood in the wake of a sexual assault, and it is true that no one can possibly understand what it feels like to have the sense of personal security and physical dignity taken away in that manner until they have lived through it.
However, even as I watched her incredible performance and connected with the song, I knew that the message was the wrong one. The lyrics essentially discourage people from being allies and offering support for friends and family who have suffered from sexual assault. “Till you’re standing in my shoes. I don’t wanna hear a thing from you” even seems to advocate silence about sexual assault unless you are a survivor.
The reality is, just like with racism, everyone should be speaking out against sexual assault until it is eradicated. Even if you have never suffered from sexual assault, you have the right and the obligation to denounce rape culture whenever you encounter it because we all suffer from its effects, such as toxic masculinity and the normalization of violence towards women. You should never hesitate to be there for loved ones who need your help, even if you can’t fully sympathize with their experiences.
That is not to say that Lady Gaga didn’t accomplish something amazing by performing her song for nearly a billion people around the world. Sexual assault is too often discussed in hushed tones and private forums, and Gaga openly defied the culture of silence around sexual assault, both by sharing her story and communicating it in such a powerful way. Yet underneath the optics, the lyrics tell a different story.
“Till it happens to you. You won’t know. It won’t be real,” Lady Gaga sang onstage, surrounded by her fellow survivors. But it is real. It is real for every girl who has sat with a sobbing friend the next morning, and it is real for people who have listened with tears in their own eyes while their partners recounted their stories.
An assault is like an earthquake. At the epicenter is the survivor, the most directly affected and most impacted. But the ground underneath those closest to the survivor shakes too. The emotional ramifications obviously are not the same for the others as they are for the survivor, but that does not mean that they do not exist and that there is no place in the conversation for non-survivors. Wanting justice for a friend or wanting to create a better world for a younger sibling is more than enough incentive and reason to speak out.
Lady Gaga’s message, while surely not intended, is an insidious warning against supporting sexual assault survivors. We all have the right to live in a world without sexual assault, which means we all have the right to combat a culture that tacitly allows it to go on. Even if you have never suffered from an assault, the reality of rape culture means you have the right to speak out too.
