By Cat Swindal
Two weeks before I arrived in Granada, Spain for my semester abroad, I got a buzzcut. I have had a secret desire to get a buzzcut for a couple years, and I finally obtained the confidence to do it. There was always part of me that had a twinge of nervousness that I would get weird looks, but I am pleased to report that I think I look pretty good (if I do say so myself), I’ve gotten more weird looks from Americans than I have from Spaniards. So far, so good.
Reflecting on my relationship with the Spanish language, I’ve been starting to think that the process of getting my buzzcut has become a metaphor for my Spanish skills. Bear with me here.
I have been studying Spanish for 12 years, since the third grade. It should be something that’s impressive, sure. But, here’s the rub: for someone who has been taking Spanish classes for more than half their life, I can’t speak or write it very well.
Going through Spanish classes in middle school and high school was a breeze, but as soon as I got to college, I started clamming up. I heard how much better other students’ accents were and how quickly they could speak and found myself inadequate. I still remember my freshman year having a group presentation where three out of four could speak Spanish as quick as can be. Guess who was the lucky fourth who stuttered the whole time?
During my first two years at Fordham, Spanish fluency was kind of like my buzzcut, something I wanted, but thought I could never pull off. So, I never really put in any effort. I’ve taken three literature classes during my time at Fordham and I would hardly speak up during classes. When I tried, I would often say the wrong thing. Even in small conversations with my professors, I would get so nervous that my brain would freeze up and I would just stare blankly, not saying anything at all. (If my professor is reading this, lo siento mucho.) I thought somehow, with little to no effort, my confidence in Spanish would just come to me magically. It was not happening, and I continued to get more and more frustrated with Spanish during my freshman and sophomore year. It got to a point where I was close to dropping it.
My whole perspective on learning Spanish changed when I spent 10 days in El Salvador this past summer. It was the first time I had ever been in a Spanish-speaking country; to say it was a life changing experience is an understatement. The people there were some of the kindest people I will ever know, and they have seen things I can’t even imagine. Every day I realized more and more, that I could understand my surroundings better than I had thought. When I got over my nervousness, I could hold conversations and make jokes that made my new Salvadoran friends laugh. They were there to hear me and help me, with more patience and support I could’ve asked for.
Of course, there were moments when I had no idea what was being said and when I embarrassed myself. But I could feel myself opening up, and for the first time I had the incentive to build my confidence in Spanish: seriously this time. This meant speaking up as much as possible during my next Spanish class and actually putting the work in. I was ready for the task, I did the best I could in my Spanish film class and I learned a lot. My confidence only continues to build, just as the confidence in my hairstyle decision did.
I have now been in Granada for five days. Yes, I have slipped up and embarrassed myself in front of my host mom (“Quiero ser fluente” does not make any sense, I learned). I still feel a little pressure in terms of Spanish level and accent, but what I learned is that people from other cultures have so much patience and respect for someone from a foreign country who wants to immerse themselves. My host mom asks me questions and talks a lot. Although she speaks quickly, I can feel myself understanding more and more everyday. Professor Lamas and his assistant Begona have been amazing resources, and I feel incredibly supported by them to continue to learn the language. I would be remiss if I did not mention my roommate Kat Martucci,who is a great partner-in-crime and doesn’t hesitate to practice Spanish with me.
Every day that I’m in Granada, I feel more and more blessed to be here, and more confident in myself. I feel more confident that I can feel like myself in a completely new and beautiful place. I feel more confident that I can continue my study of the language and someday be fluent. I feel more confident that I can return to El Salvador someday and be able to speak my truth.
If you had told me freshman year that this is how I would feel about Spanish junior year, I wouldn’t have believed you, just like I wouldn’t have believed I would ever get a buzzcut. Unlike my hair, the love I have for Spanish will never be cut short.
