By Stephanie Roddy and Gabrielle Greco 

Relationships are a complex aspect of human life, and are further complicated by sex and intimacy. Humanity gains its understanding and education about sex from many sources, including family, school and society as a whole. One additional source that can be used to teach more about sex and relationships is the Catholic Church. Today’s ever-changing world has given rise to many discussions about whether religions are keeping pace with the present world or if they are too invested simply in the “archaic” teachings of the past. According to Paul Tillich, a Christian existentialist philosopher, “a theological system is supposed to satisfy two basic needs: the statement of the truth of the Christian message and the interpretation of this truth for every new generation.” Tillich’s claim can be applied to the debate regarding the relevance of the Catholic Church’s teachings on sexuality in the 21st century.

Is there any relevance for Church teaching about sex? Or, are Church teachings terribly out of date for the “hook-up culture” many college campuses, both Catholic and non-religious, find themselves navigating?

The church can provide certain structures that can help relationships develop and mature over time. Couples can become better at critical thinking and developing boundaries for each other so as not to hurt or offend either partner, as well as a path for forgiveness in instances where one or both partners mess up. In healthy relationships, partners will respect the limits set and encourage each other to engage in discussions that could lead to constructive conflicts, all while retaining respect and love for each other.

The Catholic Church’s most prominent stance for its teaching on sex comes from the sixth commandment: “You shall not commit adultery” and secondly from Matthew 5:28, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

From these two sources, one often simply summarizes the Catholic Church’s teachings about sexuality to be a long list of “do not’s.”
For many, their understanding of the Church’s teachings on sexuality ends here. In Donna Frietas’ book Sex and the Soul, this idea is represented through an interview with theologian Luke Timothy Johnson. The problem for Johnson is not the teachings themselves, but the way the Catholic Church has failed to communicate them to Catholics. The reasoning and meaning behind the Catholic Church’s teaching is properly understood may cause a very different feeling.

When the Catholic Church’s teachings on sex are practiced, sex can take on a new meaning. It goes from something that is sentimental, something that is self-assuring and can bring about a good feeling, to something that is sacramental, or transformative and transcendent. It can be an opportunity to encounter God on earth. Fordham professor Father Scirghi explains this idea further in his book “Everything is Sacred” through the use of an analogy. He writes about a man you pass every day but barely notice until you discover that he is a friend of a friend. Then, this man stands out on your walk. “The person has not changed. What changed was the way in which you saw, or viewed, that man,” said Scirghi. Sex, when viewed as sacramental rather than sentimental “takes on great significance for the same reason, in that they point beyond themselves.” Once these true messages and meanings behind the Catholic Church’s teachings on sex are fully known and understood, the Catholic Church’s reasoning becomes so much more relevant and powerful to the discussion.

Relationships grow and develop best when there is a set understanding for what each partner is and is not willing to do in any capacity, not just sexually. Every relationship also has a set of expectations for each partner, which becomes extremely important when it comes to expectations regarding sex and intimacy. Freitas would also argue that religion can offer a framework for thinking and discussing sex, and offer ideas as to how religion can shape a conversation about sex and sex education. The first point she offers up in her book is that religion can offer more concrete boundaries within a relationship that the partners could not do themselves and allow couples to draw very distinct lines that they are not willing to cross. If the two people involved try to draw up their own rules and limits, they could potentially renegotiate said limits every time they become intimate with each other. Religion can offer “limits, protocols and gradations of what is and is not permissible sexually,” as Freitas put it. By having those limitations, a partnership can grow and develop without accidentally, or intentionally, pushing one of the people out of his or her comfort zone.

Harville Hendrix, author of “Getting the Love You Want,” recommends that partners should create a list for each other of the things that one would like the partner to do, whether it is cooking dinner, buying flowers or doing laundry. By occasionally doing something for your partner that he or she request, it creates a safe space for a loving relationship to grow. Freitas would agree that expectations are an extremely important part of any relationship, and that religion can offer some expectations that couples either would not come up with on their own or were maybe lacking. By providing a set of expectations, religion provides partners with how they should expect to be treated and not be treated. It also teaches couples that a person “has the right to say no to sex,” which as Freitas explains is an important aspect in relationships. In a partnership, one person may feel compelled to partake in a certain activity which makes them uncomfortable but he or she feels obligated to please their partner. By providing a sense of right and wrong and a list of promises, partners can please each other without overstepping boundaries or doing wrong to each other, whether it is intentional or unintentional. This also reinforces the idea of consent and that sex and intimacy can only be meaningful and healthy if there is full consent from both parties.

We cannot afford for the Catholic Church’s teachings on sex to be irrelevant in today’s society. The Catholic Church and Catholic parents — where many young adults get their knowledge about sexual ethics — must present the Catholic Church’s teaching as an understanding of why rather than a list of “do-not’s” in order to stay relevant in today’s world. Secular society assumes that we know how to live. Religious society assumes that we do not and therefore provides direction. The church promotes respect and understanding alongside consent, which is not always emphasized enough by other sources of information. Religion can provide an understanding of sex in relationships that is very different than what is presented in mainstream media.

Religion emphasizes positive, constructive and healthy relationships and argues to avoid casual sex to encourage more grounded and secure relationships. Partners in a relationship would have a much harder time finding common ground and understanding without some of the structure that the Church provides.

Stephanie Roddy, FCRH ’17, is an international political economy and theology double major from Aberdeen, New Jersey. Gabrielle Greco, FCRH ’17, is communication and media studies major from River Vale, New Jersey.