I don’t know how to say goodbye to The Fordham Ram. But how could I? How am I supposed to summarize three-and-a-half years in 900 words? And honestly, why would I want to?

I have loved newspapers since I was a kid reading the Sunday cartoons in the Capital Gazette, my local paper back in Annapolis, Maryland. Summer before sophomore year of high school, I attended The School of the New York Times, a two-week summer camp residing at Fordham University’s Lincoln Center campus where I learned about journalism. In fact, I loved it so much that I went back the next summer, solidifying my two near-future dreams: going to Fordham and working on a newspaper. 

But when I was a first-year, I was terrified to pursue it. I used to love the spotlight as a kid (you should’ve seen me solo in choir), but as I got older, I developed a deep anxiety regarding how others perceived me. I was too scared to let anyone see my writing, especially a group of people I had never met before. So, I didn’t write for the Ram, despite how much I really wanted to. 

Then the Ram posted that they needed copy editors. 

I almost turned around on my way to my first copy night, but I made it to McGinley B-52 (before the McShane Campus Center was a thing). I fell in love immediately.

While I started copy editing in Volume 103, it was Volume 104 where I really found my footing here. It was that year when I met my best people (now alumni) at Fordham: Amanda, Jamison, Sophia, Kari and Isabel. These five fine ladies are some of the smartest, kindest, most beautiful women I have had the pleasure of knowing, and I am deeply grateful for their friendship then and now.

I’m fairly certain that two of those women will kill me if I don’t say some extra words. Jamison, you are the big sister I never had. I miss loitering outside your house on Arthur Avenue and arguing over whether an outfit is cute or not while I wait for you to finish getting ready. You are so smart and I hope you can someday understand how much I admire you. Sophia, you are a bright, shining light in a world that can be so dark sometimes. You have the purest heart of anyone I’ve met, and you make me want to be a better person. I love you both dearly — please text me when you read this. 

I love copy editing. Not just the act of copy editing, but also the people I get to edit with. Nicki and Nora, I miss your presence at the table every week. Jacob and Indira, you always manage to make me laugh, no matter how stressed or snippy I get. Maddie and Cailee, thank you for holding down the table when the stack of third reads gets to be a little too much to ignore.

I lucked out with this e-board. The Graces, you both are wonderful people, and I’ll miss catching up before budget on Sundays. Evan, I loved listening to your editorial ideas almost as much as I loved editing them. Allison, your addition to Volume 105 was one of the best surprises of that year, and I’m so glad we got to work together on 106. I cannot wait to see what you will achieve during the rest of your time at Fordham and beyond. Sofia, you are an amazing editor-in-chief and an even better friend, and I’m so glad the Ram brought us together. I don’t know how I’ll cope after graduation without our Dagger John’s runs and yap sessions on Eddie’s. 

I lied earlier, by the way; I do know how to say goodbye to the Ram, because I’ve watched countless others say goodbye before me. But I don’t like saying goodbye to anything that has my heart, and I don’t really want to try yet. This silly student-run newspaper has stuck with me through all my changing friendships and varying GPAs and existential crises. When I felt like my own dorm room was haunting me or when I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror, I would escape to the Ram and feel normal again. I always craved a place where I could feel like I belonged, and I finally got that here. And I’m not just writing goodbye to the Ram — I’m also saying goodbye to Fordham. So how am I supposed to leave it? 

A song I loved as a kid but just now began to understand is “The House That Built Me” by Miranda Lambert. During my self-reflection episode of this past semester, I found comfort in the bridge: “You leave home, you move on, and you do the best you can / I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.” I’ve lost myself so many times over the last three and some years. But in all the friendship turmoil, the failures and successes, the occasional “everyone hates me and I’m a horrible person” affirmations, I was able to find myself in the pages of the Ram. I found a place that brings me peace within chaos, that reminds me of who I am and who I hoped to be, and I will try my best to carry the lessons I’ve learned here with me as I step into the real world. 

I have two more issues before I’m required to say goodbye, so I’m not going to just yet. In the meantime, I’ll see you at the copy table next week.