On any given day, we have a certain number of conversations. Each interaction — whether it be ordering a coffee, talking to a friend, sitting in a meeting, participating in class discussion or calling a loved one on the phone — is a balancing act with speaking on one side and listening on the other. The scales sway from side to side as our minds constantly shift from taking on the role of the speaker to the role of the listener. 

At its best, a conversation is like a dance — there is a smooth flow of speaking and listening; there is mutual understanding and shared emotion. Both sides feel present with the ideas being exchanged. You feel connected to the person you are speaking with; you might even say you are “on the same wavelength.” It feels effortless.

However, oftentimes, conversations do not feel like this due to the challenges and distractions of modern life. They feel less like a smooth waltz and more like a game of freeze dance — there is a lot of fragmentation and instances of starting and stopping. Responses may feel forced and do not flow naturally. It feels like it takes a lot of effort. 

Listening is a difficult thing to do. It is not passive but an active skill that takes a lot of practice. I think that changing the way we think about listening and the way we listen can make a big difference, not only in our conversations but also in our feelings of connection to the people around us. This is especially important given the high rates of loneliness people report experiencing in recent times. 

96% of people think they are good listeners, but research shows we only retain half of what people say to us. Where does this disconnect come from between our perceived and actual ability to listen? Why are we missing so much? 

There are many barriers that prevent us from listening deeply to the people around us. 

One is the speed at which our modern minds operate. Research shows that the average person has somewhere between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts a day. There is a constant flurry of activity inside our brains, both influencing and influenced by the things happening around us, an internal monologue that doesn’t end. This feels true to my own experience, as sometimes it feels like there is enough happening in my head to count for two to three people, at least. The amount of thoughts that go through my head and the speed at which they dart around only increases with busyness and stress. To put all of my thoughts — about the things that have to get done, the places I have to be, the time I have to be at those places, etc. — on pause to try to make room to hear and understand someone else’s thoughts is a difficult thing to do. 

This is especially difficult given the sheer amount of information and stimulation available to us at any given moment with the internet and social media. There is a whole other world readily available at our fingertips of communication, color, photos, videos, sounds and music (a whole bunch of short bursts of dopamine). When we spend a lot of time in this highly addictive and satisfying environment, talking to another person in the absence of all the other elements is not enough stimulation to keep our minds occupied. So they wander to a lot of different things, or we reach for our phones during any pauses that may happen in conversation — it is not abnormal to be scrolling through social media or watching television while “listening” to somebody else. 

The need for stimulation makes it difficult for our minds to rest and creates an intolerance for silence that leaves us in constant fear of conversational pauses. When someone else is speaking, we may feel on the edge of our seat, anticipating the end of their thought and planning a response to keep in our back pocket for the moment when it arises. But when we are thinking about what to say next, we miss what is being said. When we are worried about our response, we aren’t really listening. We are in our own world and thus disconnected from the conversation and the other person. It’s back to the game of freeze dance and the feeling of fragmentation. 

It is natural to feel the pressure to form a response, to say things that matter and to avoid quiet. This is the way our society operates. In a world that values production, we are always having to prove ourselves by the things we say. When we listen, we technically aren’t “doing” anything, so it can seem unproductive and unnecessary under the capitalist framework that influences so much of how we think and act. We must create an image of ourselves through the words that come from our mouths. There is pressure to get a word in, an urge to make a point everyone else agrees with and a desire to be understood. 

But we ourselves cannot be understood unless we work to understand. Listening is a form of respect for others in a time when our attention is increasingly commodified, bought and sold in the digital market. And it’s not unproductive either. Listening changes the way we speak. It allows us to form ideas in a more comprehensive way. Insight is born from deep listening because we can make connections between ideas and give them time to take root in our minds. Instead of trying to have the loudest voice, we should consider having the most attentive ear because listening is where the seeds of creativity lie.

With that being said, listening does not mean agreeing with everything someone else is saying but simply opening the door to their idea so that we can decide whether we want to make room for it in our minds. There is always the option to close the door, but we won’t know if we want it to stay if we don’t ever open the door when someone rings the doorbell. 

There is only so much capacity for listening on any given day, and there are definitely times when we should stop listening because it is no longer possible or healthy to do so. But in general, I think we can do a better job at it.

I wonder what we miss about other people’s thoughts when we believe we already know what they are going to say. I wonder if we are depriving each other of the opportunity to fully form our ideas because we are cut off with an insincere head nod or a comment that is in the same general area, but isn’t a genuine response to what’s been said. I wonder how deep listening could change our relationships, classrooms, workplaces and political climate. 

Listening is the essential but often overlooked or underestimated part of communication. It deserves more attention and practice. After all, we have two ears and one mouth for a reason.

Erynn Sweeney, FCRH ’27, is an international political economy major from Cypress, Calif.