By Jack McLoone

Fantasy football has become part of the Sunday experience, and it’s easy to understand why. It’s a great way to stay connected with friends from home and get interested in games you otherwise wouldn’t care about, but most importantly, it’s a prime avenue for trash talk. The thing is, you might be opening yourself up to unrelenting smack for a simple reason: having a bad team name.
A good team name is actually more important than the players on your team. It seems counterintuitive, I know, but it’s been shown that a bad team name can cause a team to score an average of 5.2 less points per matchup. I found this after combing through the data, realizing I actually didn’t have any data and then arbitrarily making up that number. Honestly, if you have a bad team name, you should lose points.
“But Jack,” you say, “my team name is super witty and interesting and please validate me!” No, your team name is bad. Yes, yours. But what is a bad team name? There are more bad than good, but here are some to avoid:
One of the most frequently used and absolutely detestable gimmick-names is the “Player Name Pun.” Oh, you drafted Rob Gronkowski? Good for you. But if you name your team “Gronkey Kong” you deserve to lose that pick. Same with “You Play Like a Gurley,” “Over Dwayne Bowe,” “Turn Down for Watt,” “Le’Veon A Prayer” and every other name you find by Googling “funny fantasy football team names.” There are two problems with these team names. One is that you probably did not come up with it yourself, which is deplorable and cheap. The other is that they are almost never funny, which is even worse.
Another category of names that is overused and almost never funny is references to FXX’s fantasy football TV show “The League.” Blatantly stealing names from the show, like “Password is Taco” and “Bobbum Man,” once again shows a lack of creativity. I hope your password actually is taco so I can change your team name to “I’m Not Funny,” drop your entire team and pick up players who retired three years ago as punishment.
“How about NFL scandals? Those could be good names, right, Jack?” Probably not, because “I Spygate” or “Deflated Ballz” are terrible team names and not funny at all. The only thing worse than these? Not changing your team name at all. If you’re in a league where your name is “Team (Last Name),” you should be kicked out of the league on the spot, for that just shows a lack of dedication and creativity.
Basically, the rule of thumb should be to never, ever Google “good fantasy team names.” I did just that to find most of these examples, and you never want to be the guy who Googled his team name. It’s just a bad look.
So, how does one get a good team name? Well, it isn’t easy. You can’t go wrong with making fun of league mates. Does your friend have an insecurity that he doesn’t like to talk about? That’s a safe bet for a good name. Or references to the 90’s. Honestly, just be yourself. Just don’t be the Internet.
The key to a winning season is a winning name. Or at least that’s what I tell myself.