Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love, romance and comradery. One of the best ways to honor this holiday is by hitting the town with that special someone. Whether you take them to an esteemed establishment such as a steakhouse or the local Cracker Barrel if you are “balling on a budget,” the goal is to have a memorable and pleasant outing. Hypothetically, the date has been going well, and the server drops the bill off at your table. As the bill is placed between the both of you, your eyes lock and quickly dart away to the black leather bill holder. There seems to be some contention regarding who should take care of payment.
While you and your date are mentally deciding how payment should be handled, many young adults are facing the same dilemma. Delegating who should pay for the date is a widely debated topic amongst Gen Z and millennials as more people challenge gender norms, gender role attitudes and the sexism that permeates dating life. I believe in a more egalitarian approach to dating, such that whoever initiated the date should be the one who takes care of payment.
Traditionally within heteronormativity, the man is expected to cover payment for the romantic date. In 2021, the journal Psychological Reports published a study that examined monetary decisions and dating behaviors within dating. The participants of the study expected men to pay more or cover the payment entirely for the first dates as well as the subsequent dates. One of the potential consequences that stemmed from this is finding that it perpetuates traditional gender roles, which reinforces benevolent sexism.
Benevolent sexism is a subtle form of discrimination that holds the belief that women should be cherished and need a man to provide for and protect them. According to Forbes, “Social scientists label some chivalrous behavior like treating a woman to dinner as benevolent sexism.” Paying for the date is one of many acts that fall under the category of chivalry. Some other acts include opening doors, pulling out chairs for your date and helping women with their coats. These acts are not necessarily harmful at face value; however, they can become condescending when they are done to patronize women. Like many young adults, I have spent my summers working as a server in various restaurants. This past summer, I recall handing the bill to this pregnant couple, and when I grabbed the card to pay their bill, the husband told me how he had to “feed the beast,” referring to his visibly pregnant partner. While this comment might have been made jokingly toward his spouse, it illustrated the larger issue of how sexism and masculinity have permeated heterosexual dating.
Another consequence of having men pay for the date, as well as having the expectation of the man paying for the date, is that masculinity becomes intertwined with providing for women. In this sense, masculinity is associated with traditional gender norms and attitudes. Studies have shown that men tend to embrace traditional gender roles to a higher degree. Adherence to gender norms and role attitudes are a result of socialization. Endorsing these conventionally masculine roles and attitudes has a negative impact on men’s psychological well-being. It has also been shown that endorsing these roles can lead to a poor outcome in creating and maintaining healthy relationships.
Egalitarian approaches to paying could become the future norm of dating amongst younger generations. As gender norms, gender role attitudes and sexism within dating culture are challenged, egalitarian approaches such as splitting the bill and/or having the one who initiated the date pay eliminate subtle discriminatory practices and expectations. One survey stated that for 62% of LGBTQ+ couples, the person who initiated the romantic date should be the one who pays. Other approaches include splitting the bill each time or dictating who pays based on financial situations and relationship dynamics. When a man doesn’t pay for the date, they can be viewed by the woman as cheap or uninterested, and egalitarian approaches would eliminate the pressures of paying, as well as the subtle sexism of heterosexual dating culture.
Indranil Kar, FCRH ’26, is a political science major and Arabic minor from St. Louis, Mo.
