By KAREN HILL

COLUMNIST

Sex is magic, but not for the reasons you might expect. You see, sex has the hidden power to make boys disappear.

In a generation that sees sex everywhere, we are confused about when exactly the appropriate time to have sex with a new partner is. Many women fear that they are being used or that the boy wants only one thing and will soon disappear. Of course, if you have sex too soon with someone you don’t know, he is not likely to take you seriously.

Also, too many girls tell guys, “I don’t want to have sex until I am in a relationship.” If that is how you truly feel, I commend you on your unwavering self-respect. If that is not how you feel, however, do not dangle the idea of intimacy over his head like a mistletoe tease. You are tormenting yourself just as much as him, and you probably won’t get anywhere with that mentality. You cannot manipulate someone into wanting to date you.

It is tricky trying to determine whether a boy will just want you so he can get what he wants. If all a boy wants is sex, it does not matter if you wait six days or six months because once he has what he wants, he will leave. With guys like this, you end up wasting either sex or your time. You stick it out until he can’t wait any longer and bails, or you do it, and it’s still sayonara. Save yourself, and look for the warning signs.

A clear symptom of chronic jerk syndrome is saying he doesn’t want a relationship but continues to ask for sex anyway.  Giving in to his desires despite your morals will not change his mind. You can never trust a guy less than at times when he says he does not want a relationship. Ask him what he is asking for up front. More likely than not, a boy will not just stick around for sex, unless he genuinely cares for the girl. Not all guys are jerks, but all guys are still guys. They can’t help what they want, and the right guy is the one who actually wants you for your smarts and personality too.

Your main concern when trying to find a relationship doesn’t need to be sex.  You can treat it like extra credit on a test — meaning that there is a chance you will benefit if you do it, but it doesn’t hurt if you don’t. You don’t focus all your energy on the extra credit of a test. It’s an afterthought. Focus on the true importance and strengths of your relationships (e.g. how well you get along, what you have in common or how much attention he is showing you versus playing video games), or else your relationship will stagnate.  A real relationship has a chance to bloom if you focus on the right things. Worrying about when to do the deed is distracting once you set some sort of ticking time bomb on it.

Make a choice that makes you happy with a boy or girl who makes you happy. Think with the head on your shoulders, and you will be set. It is almost always better with someone for whom you actually care when combined with true feelings — beyond those of sexual pleasure. If he or she is a keeper, something as superficial as sex won’t tarnish your connection. Greater than the power of sex is the magical power of love.