As a longtime Swiftie with a consistent annual Spotify Wrapped featuring mainly Taylor Swift songs, Oct. 3 was possibly the worst day ever. I was looking forward to “The Life of a Showgirl” since its announcement, but at 12:42 a.m., I had to face the hard truth: I hated it.
I have never disliked an entire album of Swift’s before; in fact, whenever I was asked to rank her previous eleven albums from best to worst, it proved to be one of the most difficult tasks I had ever faced. But out of the 12 songs on album number 12, not one has made it to my favorite songs playlist.
The closest to a favorite that I have is “The Fate of Ophelia.” The lead-off track has a nice beat and earworm lyrics, both of which have since been helped by the music video and trending TikTok dance. But the best song on the album needing a catchy dance to help it along should not be the case for a seasoned singer-songwriter like Swift.
“Elizabeth Taylor” might be my least favorite song on the album, and that’s saying a lot because there are some truly awful ones. This is where it started to go downhill for me; I may be able to get behind “The Fate of Ophelia,” at least a little bit, but the second song left me with no want to replay, making me hesitant for the remaining 34 minutes of music.
“Opalite” is somewhere in the middle of “The Fate of Ophelia” and “Elizabeth Taylor” in terms of likeability for me. It’s catchy and not unlistenable, but it doesn’t stand out as good nor bad. On a usual album, you’d expect one of these types of songs, but when it’s an album with as many misses as this one it’s not great to have something so “bleh.”
“Father Figure” is heinous. Originally, I thought it was about Swift reclaiming her masters, and back when I had this perspective I was willing to give her a pass. Who am I to say how she should process one of the biggest moments of her life? Now, I’m not so sure it is, and without that situation connected to it, the lyricism is just crude and downright bad.
As an actual eldest daughter, you would assume Swift would know how to write a song titularly about that experience. Not only does it miss the mark entirely, but the lyrics serve as a permanent reminder of just how many millennial tendencies she has.
“Ruin the Friendship” is just a weird song to have on an album whose potential first listener was your new fiancé, and that’s really all there is to say about it.
I am actually okay with “Actually Romantic,” as it was another not-good-but-not-awful listen. It seemed similar to other songs with commentary on girl friendships that she’s done in the past, and it’s one of the only ones I could see myself listening to again.
“Wi$h Li$t” was just south of tolerable. It’s catchy, and I can see it becoming a trend on TikTok, but in my current stage of life, I just couldn’t imagine listening to it and being able to relate, which has always been my marker for a good Swift song.
And here’s the one that should’ve been kept in the vault permanently: “Wood.” How does one produce and publish a song such as this one when she knows her parents, and his parents, will be listening to it? I am not against sexually explicit songs in the slightest (I’m a Sabrina Carpenter fan as well) but this one was not only more explicit than most, but anatomically graphic and poorly written.
“CANCELLED” is similar to “Wi$h Li$t” in that it is the most likely to become trending on TikTok. I can maybe relate to this one a little bit more, but I wish Swift kept out the cringy Generation Z lingo.
My second favorite on the album was “Honey.” Again, the lyrics were not her best, but at least this one I could relate more to, and was more tolerable to listen to.
Ending with “The Life of a Showgirl” was an interesting move, as it was not only Swift’s voice on the track but also Carpenter’s. The problem with it was I was more attracted to Carpenter’s lines than Swift’s, as the musical theater theme felt more on-par with Carpenter’s voice. But just like “Eldest Daughter,” I feel like the lyrics failed to live up to the titular meaning.
If you like this album, I am by no means saying you should be ashamed of that. As many have been quick to point out, Swift made this album to be fun and carefree. It’s just not an album for me.
