By KAREN HILL
To be or not to be exclusive? That is the question, amongst many others, such as: “What are we?” or “Are we even dating?” Dating in college is confusing, unlike high school, where you were either boyfriend and girlfriend and forever in love, or you just had a crush on someone who probably didn’t know you existed, and if they did, they didn’t like you.
Facebook gives you the drop down menu of “single,” “in a relationship,” “its complicated,” “engaged,” “in a civil union” or “married.” I feel as though all relationships in college fit into the “its complicated” option, which needs a drop down menu in and of itself: “casually exclusive,” “casually nonexclusive,” “friends with benefits,” “a convenient hookup,” “you’re a convenient hookup who is too embarrassing to show off,” “we’re dating, but not really” and all other situations.
The worst part about “dating” in college is that we tell ourselves we’re fine with the ambiguity. If you’re like me, you know you are anything but fine. You are tormented and confused, yet amazed by a newfound patience and persistence that you wish you could channel into your interdisciplinary capstone core class. How do we put up with this nonsense? Most of the time I do not even know what type of “relationship” I had until it was over.
While there are so many subcategories, if you find yourself hooking up with one person regularly, then exclusive or nonexclusive is your source of ultimate concern. So unless you are content with the don’t ask don’t tell policy, this is where you have to begin in defining the relationship. It is a scary subject to bring up, but if you are comfortable enough to hook up with someone, you should be comfortable enough to ask them how they feel about being exclusive.
Being non exclusive is an excuse to be a free agent, playboy or playgirl. It makes you cool because you can rack up hook-ups like it’s no one’s business. The more hook-ups you rack up, however, the more of a reputation you rack up as well. So while it is fun in the moment and you might feel free, you are really just digging yourself in a hole limiting your options because no one wants to date a that type of free spirit
Although your own reputation is at stake, you also have to consider the feelings of the other person, whom you are basically telling is not good enough for you. My honest advice is that staying in nonexclusive relationships is just unfair to you. Where is the respect? You are willingly accepting that you are not enough for another person, while you give him or her the satisfaction of getting what he or she wants.
If you are the one who does not want to be exclusive then wake up, honey. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.
If you are with someone but something about it just is not fulfilling, break it off completely. It is more offensive to the person to say, “I think you have zero self respect and should stick around out of convenience while I explore my options” than to say, “we are just different individuals, who could both benefit from seeing other people and keeping ‘us’ platonic.”
Go out and find that person who has it all and makes you happy. Nothing worth having is easy to obtain.
But note that being exclusive does not necessarily mean a serious commitment. It’s exciting and casual without the stress of labels, fancy dates and anniversaries. Who doesn’t want more fun with fewer complications? If things get tired, end it.
To be exclusive, that is your answer.
