Well, here we are — the championship season of cross country. All my teammates are gearing up to race at the Atlantic 10 Conference race in Virginia this weekend. But not me. A few weeks ago, my season came to an abrupt, yet somewhat expected, end. But then again, I do not really think there was much of a beginning to it either.

The only race I completed was our season opener at Stony Brook University. And since then, I’ve been out of the running with a calf injury. I was in denial – this couldn’t be it for me. I tried to battle through the pain — pushing through workouts and hating myself for the ones I physically couldn’t finish. Desperately, I tried to convince myself that one day I would wake up and the pain would magically disappear, and I would return to normal. I realize now that I haven’t been very honest with myself. But how could I be? The reality was, I wasn’t going to get better with the vicious cycle I put myself in. More devastatingly, it was my senior year and I was going to have a season finale — a sense of closure.

The phrase that says “If you fall, get back up. That’s what life is about” is BS. I wish it were that simple. If I learned anything from this slow burn season, it’s that you need time to heal before even trying to get back on your feet. I’ve always been an impatient person so this doesn’t really come naturally to me. But I wonder if things would have turned out differently for me if I just told myself to stop and it was okay to do so instead of all tearing myself down, fearful of the truth.

In the spirit of self — honestly, this sucks. I am frustrated and heartbroken. I wish I could race alongside my teammates, especially my fellow seniors who have pushed me to be my very best these past four years. I am excited to see what my team can accomplish these next few weeks, but it’s also excruciating being a spectator and not a competitor.

But to end on a positive note, while it may be my last cross country season, it is not my last season as a Fordham Ram. In these next few months leading up to our first indoor track meet of he season in December, I will become an absolute beast. Until I get there, I’ll take time to heal before I decide to get up this time.