This weekend, Fordham Rowing had the biggest race of our fall season. I raced twice: first in the Second Varsity 4 and next in the Varsity 8. I was excited for Saturday, but when I crossed the finish line of my first race this weekend, all I felt was disappointment. It was supposed to be such a great race. We practiced with this lineup for weeks and the boat felt strong. We worked together well, we had power, we had done so well in our race two weeks earlier. We set ourselves up to have such a well-executed race, but I faltered. We ended up placing 17th, but it’s not the results that upset me — it’s my performance.
The race wasn’t disastrous, but I knew I could do better; I had wanted to do better. We put in so much effort for these moments. We push ourselves at practice, put in the work in the weight room and train hard on the erg. So much effort gets boiled down to a handful of races, so I want my rowing on race day to reflect what I’m capable of. I felt like I let down my teammates by not rowing my best. When you row, you can feel the other people in the boat move with you. You know they are giving it their all and you want to do the same. I also let myself down in the first race. I kept replaying the race in my head trying to understand what went wrong, what I was doing differently, but I was coming up short. It wasn’t any one thing, so I didn’t know what I needed to change.
I was shaken after my first race and felt so uncertain about the next one. I spent so much time in that boat and felt confident because of that, but it hadn’t turned out as I had expected. I was glad I had the opportunity to race a second time, but I was nervous that I wouldn’t do any better. I already felt anxious about being in Varsity 8. I spent all of last year’s spring season in the Second Varsity 8, and this was my first race in our top boat. As we got closer and closer to our start time, I felt overwhelmed by the pressure to perform, so I did the only thing I could in that moment and let go of the first race, at least temporarily. Being able to criticize yourself is important as an athlete, but I knew holding on to my disappointment and self-doubt wouldn’t be helpful in that moment. I was there, the first race was over and there was nothing I could do to change how I had done. It wasn’t easy. The fear of failure would come bubbling back up while I was warming up and when we were rowing to the start line, but I just kept telling myself to keep my eyes up and follow the girl in front of me.
When I crossed the finish line for the second time that day I knew I had shown up differently. I’d done the most I was capable of, and that was something I could be proud of. I’ll continue thinking about my first race and about how I can improve, but sometimes it is okay to just let it go.
